When Refashioning Calls + Sewing Machine Giveaway! 4

Last month, I got a beautiful tunic from Joe Browns. It is gorgeous, and I gave them my size, and it came in… and it was massive, and labeled “one size.” Well, one size on non-stretchy linen means I looked like I was wearing a sack. One made with nice linen fabric, but a sack nonetheless!

Still, I don’t back out of a product review, and I had a shoot planned with the lovely Christine Cherry, so I decided to wear the tunic — but maybe pin it to my body a bit. With bobby pins, because I’m resourceful and it wasn’t supposed to bear too much movement.

I have to say I absolutely love what I did.


It turns out it makes an incredible, amazing, ridiculously freaking gorgeous flapper dress! And I can’t sew it in place because I don’t have a sewing machine, and it would be a terrible idea to get one when I’m not settled yet with a long-term lease and I’m moving in the middle of August again to begin with. But if I could — oh, I so would.


(Full outfit post coming next week!)

Since I can’t have the sewing machine, though, the lovely people at Hobby Craft told me I could give one away to my readers! Since I know plenty of you love to sew, many for your shops or blogs, I thought that was a truly fantastic idea.

The sewing machine Hobby Craft is giving away is a Janome Sew Mini 140M. It only weighs 2.5 kg, so it’s perfect if you don’t have a lot of space or don’t want to haul a huge dead weight every time you need to put it up on a table. (Not speaking from experience or anything…) It has a range of preset stitching options, widths and lengths, including zigzag stitching.


Giveaway is open to UK residents only, but I know there are a few of you around and hey — I’m a freelance photographer and model, so what better way to network with potential clients than offer them a free sewing machine in exchange for following and sharing my work? Never say I’m not transparent. And hey, if you’re in London, maybe you could fix up that tunic for me. ;)

a Rafflecopter giveaway

If you need something heavier duty, or simply don’t win this sewing machine giveaway, I recommend having a look at all the sewing machines Hobby Craft carries — there’s something for everyone there, and an awesome range of prices to fit any pocket!

Good luck!

My Face Is Just My Face: The Struggle [#donttrysohardlinkup] 15

This may be a little too complicated for the sad state of my brain right now — I’m high on lorazepam, holy crap, that went down with glee — but here’s a try for the #donttrysohardlinkup:

For as long as I can remember, I’ve disliked my face. I’ve talked about the eyebrows and my trichotollimania, and I’ve talked about the fact that I’m really thin and my eating issues have nothing to do with body image and everything to do with side effects of anxiety medication, my very recently on-the-mend sleep schedule and my low appetite.

But I still don’t usually like my face. I do, and I don’t. I love watching myself — I love looking at pictures of myself, and I love seeing my mouth move when I talk on videos. I’m fond of me, in the way you’d be fond of a good friend. But sometimes I look in the mirror and I feel ugly, or rundown, or just not that special.


I mean, I am not that special, and usually that’s not a bad thing. But sometimes it makes you question things, like whether you’re being dumb making modeling portfolios on places despite not fitting agency standards with your quaint 5’4″ of height and your sunken eyes and your blah Leighton Meester jawline (don’t knock it, it’s helped me get used to mine) and the acne scarring and so on and so forth.

Anyway, it’s not like the modeling industry’s ever been present before. That part is new. Disliking my face isn’t.

But the thing is, when I started taking selfies, I started to like my face. I learned it, I saw it from many angles, I looked at it from a different perspective. It’s still my face, which means I’m never going to be impartial on it, or partial to it. I’ll feel pretty, but I won’t say I am. I’ll say I’m cute, or adorable, or looking really funny.



Makeup — and Photoshop — often cover some of these things — when my jaw sticks out weird in an otherwise good shot, when my tooth sticks out over my bottom lip like a hick, when my acne scarring is particularly obvious. But I try not to overdo it. I try to go by my own principles, the ones I use for other models where I embrace everything that’s a facial feature and only retouch on request.


I wear makeup about twice a month, just when I model, because when I get home and I have makeup on, I feel dirty and I want it off. I used to never go out of the house without for a while there, for a few years — though to be fair I went out once every other week. I think, even though I’ve never said it, that starting antidepressants in the middle of summer helped me be less tied up to my makeup. I’ve never been a makeup person; I was a person who needed makeup to hide the things she didn’t want other people to see, because she was ashamed.


But I’m not anymore. Now, makeup and retouching are choices for me. I’m still not fully sure when I should wear makeup — I default to not for the OCD type reasons mentioned above and I’m sure I’ve made a faux pas or two. But I don’t care because I felt comfortable, even in front of the camera, and at the end of the day that’s all I want to be: comfortable with my face. Comfortable with my choices. Trying hard for me — for my mental health, for my business, for my self-esteem — and not for anyone else.





All photos in this post were taken in late April/early May by my best friend, Annemari S. The only one I’m wearing makeup in is this one. The other pretty chick in the pictures is Ashley!

Monthly Goals: August Is A Big Month 22


I’m stressed already.

No, I’m fine. Shut up, brain.

I’m comfortably ensconced in a corner at my Starbucks (“my” Starbucks = the one closest to me and the one I prefer out of the three within walking distance, happily enough/distressingly for my wallet) and July is nearly over, which means, among other things, that my self-imposed ban on flathunting is up on Friday. I’m not happy about this. On a scale of one to ten, I enjoy flathunting minus three million. Excuse me while I block all flathunting sites for another day before I do something stupid like kick off my tunnel vision ahead of time.

There. Where were we? It’s been three months since I moved to England. To the day. It feels like an age — I want to say it also feels like no time at all, but the truth is it does. It feels like a very, very long time despite not having got much accomplished yet. I don’t have a proper long-term lease, or a job, or financial stability, or flatmates lined up. I don’t have a camera bag and I don’t have a pair of flip-flops.

I do, however, have a new sense of myself and my work, a backlog of photos to edit and upload to various sites for various purposes, a ticket to Blogstock (what!), a proper website in the works that I won from AmeriCommerce, a modeling profile on PurplePort, design work to do, design work to share here, plans to revamp my blog design and categories, a renewed love for stretching and dancing, and, most important of all?

I fucking fixed my sleep schedule.

Did you ever think you’d see the day? I’m waking up early and actually getting up. I’m eating semi properly. I think my butt has actually grown a bit. (Or possibly my jeans have shrunk. But I doubt that.) My sex drive has reawakened as I go off paroxetine, but in a manageable way, which is a relief. I’ve had some ups and downs, but I’ve mostly been up. The one thing I’ve noticed is sometimes I see the big picture clearly, remember all the things I’ve got going on, and sometimes I feel utterly lost — and before now, that was easy to chalk up to whether I’d taken lorazepam (clear head) or not (anxiety-based fog), but now it’s a little unpredictable. Something that’s really helping, though, is taking weekends off from design work.

So here are my goals for August:

MONTHLY GOALS: AUGUST 2014 [link-up]


  1. Keep up the good sleep schedule, the healthy work schedule, and the stretching habit. Eat when hungry and try not to spend too much money.
  2. Get through my photo backlog. The entire thing, yes. Restock my Etsy shop and apply to a few stock photography websites.
  3. Get through my design work backlog. If I can’t do it in a month, I don’t know how I’ll ever manage.
  4. Revamp the blog and create a proper schedule, with posts going up every day Monday – Friday and possibly some on weekends. I certainly have the content, so I just need to get it together and schedule it.
  5. Schedule everything. It’s very important.
  6. And of course, find a place to live. The important thing here is to stick to my guns, think twice about things, and only go to flat viewings I feel really good about. Within walking distance preferably, among other things because I’d like to move within walking distance, but also because I don’t want to waste money and time.

So that’s the idea. I’m off to revise my to-do list accordingly.

How’s August shaping up for you?

Anxiety Diaries: This Is A Construction Zone Leave a Comment

It’s a boring explanation for the radio silence around these parts, but it’s all I’ve got. I’m doing oddly well since mid last week — since my landlady left, not a coincidence: I am what I am — and I maybe recklessly decided to try going clean of antidepressants. Part of it comes from the fact that I started doing well after reducing my dosage, and part of it is plain old fear of trying mirtazapine.

Oh, I made rent, by the way. Forgot to post about that. With a little help from my family and my friends, I made rent. I’m covered until August 17. I can potentially stay here till September 17, and in the bigger room at that — which I admit I moved into before getting explicit permission. It just seems ridiculous not to use it when it’s going to be vacant anyway and there’s no one else around. My flatmate (of sorts) left yesterday, and landlady and husband will be in Turkey till mid August. Her daughter will be popping in every now and then, and she did yesterday and actually really pissed me off for absolutely no reason. I just don’t deal well with unexpected people. I had plans! Plans to be alone! She was here for like fifteen minutes and it was long enough to realize that somehow the nondelivery slip for a parcel for my landlady had vanished, because I swear to god there are fucking ghosts or leprechauns or a fucking black hole in this flat. First my box from a client disappeared, then this, and now I can’t find my pink t-shirt (the one with the mock old-timey telegraph thing that says Payson on it and therefore I call my Payson Keeler t-shirt, which means I am very fond of it) or my black pen. I’ve looked everywhere. Lost things are my main source of stress right now even though none of it is particularly valuable or irreplaceable. I just don’t lose things. I know where I put things. So where the fuck did they go?

My second source of stress is being alone in this flat, which is weird because I was alone in Streatham for a week with a kitten and I was totally fine. I’m mostly fine here, too, except when I’m not. But I’m weaning off my meds and I choked on lettuce like the amazing human being I am this afternoon, and the whole situation has put a damper on things.

Also, I keep having strong feelings, and it’s frankly quite disturbing. I genuinely like being mostly stable. I miss my cat enough when I’m on antidepressants, y’all. Today it hurt.

The thing about the mirtazapine is it’s supposed to help me sleep better, be more motivated, and eat more. And I don’t want to spend more money on food than I already do, and what if it doesn’t work for my motivation? What if I go back to oversleeping now that I’m managing to get up before 10? And what if it does work? What if it works in a way that I really feel the effect of? What if it makes me properly functional? Will I ever want to quit then? It took me ages to decide to switch from paroxetine even though paroxetine never had a massive effect on me other than hugely dulling my sex drive. My sex drive which by the way I felt lost without when it first went into its hundred-month sleep but I now dread getting back, because it’s exhausting and distracting and annoying, and I don’t need it.

So I’m feeding it fanfic but only at night. I’m feeding my heart fanfic really. I’m trying this thing where I work on regular client stuff in the morning and then I’m free to edit pictures and blog from 5 to 8 at Starbucks and then I can, whatever, read, go to sleep, watch stuff. I’m thinking about rewatching Make It Or Break It, actually, I miss Payson. And I can take weekends off. I did the weekend off thing the weekend before last, but this weekend got dragged into a terrible project and I think my schedule is still reeling a bit. But I’m trying. I didn’t get much done today, but I did organize a lot, and put away a lot of information about projects. I also took loads of photos of books. Working on renaming and reorganizing my blog categories as well, thinking about redesigning a bit. I have a lot to post, a lot of pictures, and I want to give them more room but also make the blog spark a bit more. More color in my life, more color on my blog!

But I don’t want to just disappear while I do that, and I don’t want to not post, either! So here’s an update to say that my life is a construction zone, and hopefully I’ll make it out the other side alive. Cross your fingers for me.

Nightly Voices: In The Spirit of My Blog Name 24

i.e., “we voiced what should be voiceless [...] No longer voiceless,
we broke the ancient laws” [have at]

I’ve decided to allow myself to post quick updates of how my life is going late at night, just to keep you guys in the loop and keep myself posting consistently. And in this case, accountable, as Operation Make Rent By Thursday continues.

When I posted my Weekly Wishes, I was already doing the first thing listed on it — camping out at Starbucks. Today, I grabbed the dragonfruit vitamin water bottle I swiped from the studio I modeled at on Sunday and the last tray left in my free chocolate box from Graze (chocolate buttons, cranberries and pumpkin seeds — all really great, but not sure the pumpkin seeds and the cranberries go all that well together, unless it’s a lot of seeds and just a bit of cranberry. I should leave this for a review post, shouldn’t I? I took pictures and everything, and I think they have an affiliate program on etailPR, which is not loading right now. Can’t seem to get any samples from them so might as well rack up the pennies), put them in my bag, and headed to the library, where I worked — actually worked — until 5:30 PM.

Picked up a muffin and a small baguette at M&S (£1.70) (I got two bagels yesterday, £1, and an iced vanilla latte at Starbucks, £2.65, and also finished off the sliced bread I had, a chocolate mousse and a cob of corn), and spent an hour and a half on Skype moaning and groaning about my CV while Kerri typed up notes and basically walked me through the process of how to write a standard CV for a non-creative job. It was fascinating. I’m so bad at selling myself — I’m too self-absorbed. Not that it’s news or anything, it’s just some days it’s more obvious than others.

I’m standing at £350 £460 for rent, which means I need to make another £250+ £140+!!!! by Thursday night/early Friday morning. I’m really motivated to work, though I still wake up with absolutely zero willingness to get out of bed. I’m meeting someone I met through a Shooting Beauty chat for lunch tomorrow at noon, and I’ve scheduled a TFP shoot for Friday — which I said I wouldn’t do, but I have pushed everything else back, and I really liked this photog’s portfolio and she wants to shoot within walking distance, so I decided to go for it. On Thursday I’m getting calls back from the therapy and the physiotherapy centers over the course of the afternoon, which means I’ll have to be somewhere quiet but not library quiet, so either I’ll hole up in my room or camp out at Waterstones.

I also signed up for the London Capital Credit Union on a recommendation from Sally, mainly in case I ended up needing a loan, though I’m not sure I can get one quickly enough — I need to look through the files they sent me and see if I can fill the one up on my laptop and send it back by e-mail rather than post. But I may be into the idea of having a savings account. Maybe. Somewhere. Somehow.

And now it’s time for bed.

Weekly Wishes #40: Operation Make Rent By Thursday 20


(Pine needles because it’s a prickly sitch, you see. /terrible)

I’m not having a meltdown! I’m totally having a meltdown. Good news is I got out of the house when it was starting and came to Starbucks to work, so while my meltdown has been conducted, as usual, very much in public (social media public mostly), it has also been very productive. A friend booked some stock photography work from me, I got a logo design assignment from Elance, and I chased a few PRs as well as put out some pleas for help on various places. If you hate me for doing that kind of thing, chances are you already did, so this isn’t going to hurt things any.

So my weekly wish is: not lose it, and make £600 by Thursday. I’m at £150 £220, so not good (but better than when I started this post a few hours ago). So here’s what I’m doing to accomplish those hefty goals:

  1. Camp out at the library/cafés where I know I can get work done (i.e. not the Starbucks on Hampstead High St no matter how late it closes. The lighting is terrible and I don’t feel secluded enough. South End Rd Starbucks is good, and so is the Waterstones on Hampstead High St).
  2. Make lists and go through them with a “one thing at a time and one thing after the other” attitude.
  3. Stay fed and hydrated (less coffee, dose out the lorazepam, iced vanilla lattes over other drinks).
  4. Not schedule any unpaid work until next week.
  5. Spending ban: I’m not even setting a budget for groceries. Just spend as little as possible until rent is paid, and then budget. Eat the food I have.
  6. Take short breaks in the form of things that count as “keeping busy” i.e. keeping my mind on my work: Pinterest, blog-reading.
  7. Read before bed. Maybe even an actual book! Take my mind off things before sleep, essentially.
  8. Beg some more, probably. But in an organized, scheduled way so there aren’t actual tears involved.

And, I guess, not go to sleep too late, which I’m already pushing. But it’s not like going to sleep early seems to help any with the motivation problem. You know what does? Weirdly enough, phone calls. Having to call a bank, a government thing, a therapy office and a physio office in quick succession makes one feel all accomplished. I need to call back the therapy thing because my phone rang when I was at Starbucks, and I’ll be getting a call about physiotherapy between 1 and 2 PM on Thursday. My new NIN appointment is on July 16 at 10:55 AM, and it looks like I can get there by heading down Haverstock Hill and just walking straight southeast for a year and a half (okay, thirty-six minutes). It’s next week, so maybe I won’t feel guilty taking a bus. But the walk could be interesting. It’s certainly straightforward.

So here’s to more productivity and less tachycardia. And also more blog posts! As always, if you want to help out, feel free to sponsor the blog, hire me as a designer, buy a print, or book me as a photog! You could even potentially buy rights to one of my photos for web use, or hire me to get some specific ones like my friend Marcia did.

And on the other side of the coin, if there’s any way I can help you, let me know.

7 Things | I’m Thinking About 1

The lovely Jess of Bookworms in Dresses put me down to do the Very Inspiring Blogger tag, and I thought I’d take the chance to do, if not the structured tag proper (no rules, no nominations), at least a little post telling you seven things that happen to be on my mind right now. Facts are good, but you can tell a lot by what a person’s thinking, too! Though I’m sure most of these won’t be a surprise to anyone who’s known me longer than five seconds.

1. My landlady reduced my rent a little and agreed to let me pay some of it tomorrow and some of it on Friday, and I feel like the amount I can plausibly give her tomorrow right now is laughable. I’m honestly seriously worried. I don’t want to get kicked out. Why can’t she just let me paypal her bits of it along the five weeks I’m staying? It’s in my best interest to get it done as soon as possible so I can start saving for my next place, trust me. You’re not even going to be here! (She and her husband are going on vacation for I believe the whole five weeks up till someone else has booked my room and I have to leave.) Fuck.

2. I’m doing pretty well — other than that. Working on my backlog of design work, finding work, convincing myself that writing up my CV won’t kill me. I even wrote up all my expenses I had receipts for last night and threw out all the paper. It freaked me out a little, but it’s also interesting knowing that even though I’ve spent very little money by certain standards, I could still be spending less. So there’s a chance a food budget will pop up on the blog at some point, and you’ll get a very real look at how terrible my eating habits are. More filling bread and fewer breadsticks, is the main thing I’m thinking about right now. And once I’m on my own here, I can actually cook things like pasta and broccoli and possibly even rice, which are all cheap and very filling.

3. I’ve started modeling. I don’t know if you knew this but I made a profile on ModelMayhem last year to see if I could get some modeling work, maybe get someone to ship me over to England for a gig (you don’t know my life), and earlier this week or last weekend someone told me about PurplePort, so I decided to revamp both accounts, label myself a photographer, which is what I am, and add some shots from the swimwear shoot two weeks ago — which will hopefully be released officially this coming week.

Well, it turns out people only look for models on those sites, and models get paid. It’s completely backwards to me, because a model lends two hours of her time and a bit of skill, whereas a photographer (etc.) has to have all the equipment, organize the shoot usually, shoot the photos, edit them, and do whatever the hell with them. I get it when the shoot is meant to be published or sold in some way, but even it’s a little disheartening. So I modeled (for free) for a photog I met on twitter a while back on Wednesday, and it was super fun and relaxing; I had a shoot with me as a photog and someone else as a model on Thursday; and on Friday, I booked three shoots over the weekend. All dude photogs, too, which is probably why I didn’t enjoy them <em>quite</em> as much as I did the Wednesday one — but they were all very friendly and normal and didn’t creep me out. Plus, two of them had awesome portfolios. One paid me for modeling for a lighting test at a studio in Holborn (which is dead on Saturdays, y’all; the stores are dark and they still say they’re open, it’s like ghost corporate city in there), another paid me for modeling for a couple of hours this morning here in Hampstead, and another covered my travel expenses to go to a studio in Bermondsey and model for a portrait series he’s doing.

Since I’m going to end up with a whole bunch of hopefully gorgeous, interesting pictures (and some weird slow motion minimal movement video), I think I’m going to open second accounts on both MM and PP to use as my modeling portfolio. It’s nice that I can just meet someone for a few hours, get paid and not think about it again. Is that what people with normal jobs feel like?

4. I went to the library yesterday before the Holborn shoot and printed out my Starbucks application. Now I gotta fill it out.

5. Plans for tomorrow, if I wake up at a normal hour and manage to get out of bed: get up, shower, have some juice, have my half paroxetine (going off it), half lorazepam (money nerves) and whole ibuprofen (hip pain), call the bank about my online account, call the therapist I need to self-refer to, call to reschedule my NIN appointment, call the physiotherapist I was told to self-refer to, put my laptop and my cream cheese in my bag, get a bagel or two and a plastic knife at M&S, and camp out at Starbucks the rest of the whole damn day.

6. I activated Direct Checkout on my design shop.



7. I won a website in a competition I don’t remember entering, and I’m getting really excited about finally having a proper storefront.

(8. Please help me out with rent. I’m freaking.)

(9. The elderly lady my mom cares for gave her a tablet as a gift — ! — and now I can <em>skype with my cat</em>. Bless her. Bless the furball. Bless all the things, except rent.)

What’s on your mind today?

Anxiety Diaries: Breaking the Cycle 2

This is not a post about:

  1. my failed attempts to “fix” my sleep schedule on days I get up particularly late by staying up all night and going to bed early the next day
  2. my failed attempts to make a schedule in order to coax my motivation out of hiding
  3. my failed attempts to space out the unplanned and people-involving things and keep days in between to myself

This is a post about:

  1.  what my new doctor in my new city in my new country prescribed I do next, which I will do because I generally do what doctors tell me to do as long as it is specific and tangible, so, like, “get out more,” that’s not going to happen, but “here’s your next dose and the dose after that and your new med prescription, and here’s the contact info for you to self-refer to a physio and a therapist and gyms” works out okay.

Wait, I just spoiled the post for you. My bad. The rest of this is a brief account of how my appointment at the Hampstead Group Clinic went yesterday, Friday July 4, at 4:10 PM. In case you don’t remember I registered last week, on Monday, and this Monday, after not sleeping all night because I’m special, I went there again and made an appointment to talk about my anxiety. And my hip pain. The hip pain from a wrong turn while shooting models from a lifeguard stand. (Don’t know if I’ve mentioned it; my blog is 500 erroring on me, so I can’t check.) That hip pain.

So it was pretty quick and painless! I got there, gave the receptionist my appointment card, waited for about two minutes, saw my name on a screen with the consulting room I was supposed to go to, and met my GP, who I maybe shouldn’t call my GP because I hear you get whichever GP is available no matter who’s seen you before, which checks out in view of the quick-and-effective way the appointment was conducted.

I said I had two things to talk about. The first was my hip pain: I twisted something on a lifeguard stand and it’s been hurting for two weeks. She checked my mobility after I talked about the second thing, made sure I hadn’t dislocated anything, and gave me a phone number to call to self-refer to a physiotherapist.

The second thing was, drumroll please, my anxiety. (Disappointed sounds. How do big theatrical productions convey those? Wah wah wah?) Mentioned sleep schedule, lack of motivation, lack of appetite. Doctor suggested changing my meds and so I brought up that I was thinking about that, and also about seeing a therapist. Also I had nightmares — “the new meds will help with all the physical stuff,” which was the one thing that made me go a little ‘uhhhhh’ because nightmares aren’t physical stuff, thanks — and also how about joining a gym? And how I was thinking about taking the PR route with my blog and she said I can actually get free gym classes because they’re scientifically proven to be beneficial for patients with anxiety… so free gym? Score! (Said my best friend.)

Unfortunately, I think I’m going to have to figure that out on my own, because I thought she’d written down the info along with the therapist and physiotherapist to self-refer to, and nope, it’s just that and instructions on how to go off paroxetine slowly. And a prescription for mirtiwhatsit — which makes a whole lot of sense now I’ve taken a quick look at the wikipedia page.

Going off paroxetine and starting on a new antidepressant may cause side effects like increased anxiety and palpitations, which scared the crap out of me because tachycardia is the worst, so I immediately asked if I could still use lorazepam to keep that in check and she said yes, that was fine.

I’m still not lowering my paroxetine dosage until Monday, maybe Tuesday. Maybe until I’ve made my whole rent, which should be Friday. I’m not scared. Shut up. I refuse to let unproductive tunnel vision take me, and I need to stop refreshing sites I don’t have email notifs set up for.

But hey, here’s a post! Here is a post. And the things I’ve last-minute booked this weekend (see point #3 above) are self-contained on my end: I’m getting my CV written up with Kerri’s help, and I have two modeling gigs that pay a little bit. Modeling is like photography in that I feel comfortable in my skin and like I’m doing what I love to do, but not at all like photography in that I work for x hours and then I’m pretty much done. No more photos to add to my backlog of pictures to edit!

Which, seriously, I will get to soon. And show it all to you guys. And maybe find more models. I’ve had very good experiences with models so far — it does still make me sad how self-conscious one of my swimwear models was, but then on Thursday I had the awesome chance of working with a model I could discuss that with. Feminists! — but it seems Model Mayhem and Purple Port and those sites are geared towards photographers paying models, which doesn’t super gel with me for the reasons implied in the above paragraph, and which means I’m answering more model ads than ads for photogs.

I did answer one casting call where a model was looking for a photographer to do TF shoots with to update her portfolio, and I’ve found myself in a weird situation of what do I do that can be summarized as: I could just never get back to her; I could swallow my reservations and work with her; I could make up some lie about why I don’t want to work with her anymore; or I could candidly and honestly reply that I get the feeling she doesn’t think I’m good enough to photograph her, and while I’m willing to do retouching for models who require it for their portfolios and I’m happy to get a MUA on board and so on, I’m not very inclined to put in all that work for someone who’s asking for those things as conditionals to work with me. It’s not even an ego thing, it’s like — I don’t think we see eye to eye so it would make for an uncomfortable shoot, wouldn’t it?

That’s me breaking the cycle of talking about general anxiety to talk about my anxiety over work. It wasn’t even deliberate. Well done.

Meanwhile, I caught up on my Bloglovin thing (near), completed my online registration with the practice, got a bank account (oh yeah, did I mention that? I can accept direct checkout/gift cards on Lix Hewett Design now. I’ll add it to Lix Hewett Photography as well when I’ve got a bit more things in the shop and a bit more money to rely on for order fulfillment in case someone does use direct checkout, which as far as I understand you can only take out weekly, or monthly or something), applied for two jobs, and did a whole lot of emailing as usual. And charting. But more charting and emailing awaits still.

Anyway, I will keep you posted on how my new treatment goes. Hope you’re having a nice weekend, and happy 4th of July to my American friends. I would totally wear your flag, and that’s just because it’s pretty and looks good on gymnast leotards.

Complete Lookbook With Professional Photographer — Pre-Launch Price Leave a Comment


I’m offering up to four models (or anyone who needs a lookbook created) the opportunity to hire me for a day and create a complete range of looks. The photos will be edited to industry standards and retouched with the model’s input, and in addition to this, I will design a full lookbook READY TO PRINT.

Shooting will happen in London, northwest preferred; travel within London however is included in the fee.

This is a package I will be launching when my new website is ready, and in preparation for it, I am offering it to you for £250 with NO waitlist — I’m booking the photoshoots next week, and you’ll have both the edited photos and the lookbook design ready by July 31. These packages will launch for £700+.

This is a really good chance to get your portfolio off the ground quickly and painlessly. If you don’t want a lookbook designed, I am willing to swap that out for a portfolio design. I have both print and web design experience.

If you’re interested in this, contact me through this message or on lix@lixhewett.com. You can see some of my work on this site, pixieset, and my blog. My design shop is lixhewettdesign.etsy.com, and a lookbook design goes for the price of this entire package.

Thank you for reading, and please share with anyone you think might be interested!

July, July: Make A Wish, Make A Plan 8

Behind the scenes with Ling K. Tang and a MUA whose name I will get eventually at a shoot I did for Lauren Pearl. Can’t wait to show you the photos!

It’s July! Tomorrow is my sister’s eighteenth fucking birthday… and three days ago, it was two months since I moved to England. Everything is strange and confusing. It feels like ages, and also my sister still acts like she’s twelve. Nothing makes any sense. Today I didn’t realize that it was Tuesday and I hate Tuesdays! Even when I walked twenty minutes one way and twenty minutes back to a flat I didn’t get to see because the agent left just when I got there. My hip started hurting again, too. But I’m totally fine.

So you know how I set out to schedule stuff last week? I’ve done some of that — mostly between yesterday and today. I had a nice walk to the clinic yesterday morning after a night of not sleeping to schedule an appointment with a GP, and it was so nice out that I took my notebooks with me to Hampstead Heath and wrote and planned and made charts in the early morning sun. Then I took my laptop to Waterstones, and the barista at Café W made me an amazing version of an iced caramel macchiato. It was delicious. I loved it. If it weren’t because Starbucks closes at 10 PM and the Waterstones café closes at 6 PM, I’d be there right now.

As for June, well.

June Recap

Wow, I did nothing on my list. But I feel like I did loads of things! There’s a disconnect here. I did enjoy London more, though. I started treating myself better, or working towards that. That’s a big deal.

July Goals

1. Get a part-time job. Look for one, obviously; write up my CV and apply to things. But: get a part-time job. I have all month and plenty of things I’d like to apply for. I need to get down and do it.

2. Finish my charts. I have one for blog posts, one for outstanding design work, and I want to start a daily health chart because I’m not doing that well even though I am doing better.

3. Catch up on my photography backlog. Edit photos to JPG AND PNG for web use. I have loads and it’s holding me back from taking more of them. Besides, once I have them, I can add them to Etsy, set up a shop on Pixieset, set up a shop on Redbubble, or all of the above. Also, order greeting cards — I think I can get some samples via a PR contact. I did finally order business cards, which is something! I got very simple ones better suited for my design business than my photography, but I do still have that Moo perk to redeem on Klout, I believe, so I’ll work on that once I have photos to feature on the cards!

4. Redesign my blog to accommodate larger photos and a little more color.

5. Revamp my portfolios — only I won a website from AmeriCommerce so that may well be what I do! Something massive and awesome that someone codes up for me? Yes please! We’ll see.

6. Balance going out and staying in, and by staying in I mean working at the library or at a coffeehouse, because I can’t really work at home. So far I think I’m doing well — I’m doing some shooting with a photographer and a MUA for my blog (outfits, yay!), then I have Thursday all to myself (and the AmeriCommerce people), and on Friday I have an appointment in Camden to apply for a NIN at 9:50 AM and a doctor’s appointment five seconds from my building at 4:10 PM. Then it’s the weekend, when, weirdly, the Keats library opens — unlike on Mondays.

Oh, also, I need to make £600 by July 11. I’m not worried or anything (no, I’m genuinely not freaking out yet), but if you want to support me in some way, feel free to book a shoot, or design work for a late July start, or hang on till I get more stuff up on Etsy/pixieset/RedBubble and buy something with my photography on it! Or, hell, send me a sponsored post lead. I will thank you.

Here’s to an awesome July!

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